A work in Progress

Dear Lord,I want to make a habit of forgiving others, to stop holding grudges. To learn how to forgive and to forget !! I want to forgive so that I may be at peace with myself and my environment.. You forgive me each and every day so Why shouldn't I ?? I am but Human and every day brings with it an opportunity to learn. I want to learn how to forgive. I cannot be claiming to be Your daughter and Yet my actions are not reflecting of your teachings!! You have taught me Better than that, I know Better than that !! I shall cast my past Hurts away, Love, forgive and Forget !! Baby Steps Let Go and Let God I was recently accused by someone close to me to have been the cause of their illness, you know how we as Africans can for some reason just not suffer an illness and attribute it to a medical condition, another person always has to be the cause, when did I take a crash course on how to cause an inflammatory eye, smh .. I have always prided my self of being a people`s person, but this, this just pushed me over the top.. I was just soo heart broken, I literally shut down, put up wall and closed out everyone and everything!!! I doubt Ill ever talk to the person again.. My whole life I have had to struggle for the semblance of peace that I have, so I do not take it lightly when someone disturbs it, to acknowledge an existence of control , and peace, when in reality I was just spiraled into turmoil after turmoil.. After it happens once, twice, One learns to get used to it and make a habit of tolerating what is and hoping and praying that what is, will one day be only a thing in a closed of memory.

I hate pain, I hate to hurt and so as a result I go to great lengths to make sure I cause and inflict no harm towards another Human being .. I cant tolerate pain.. pain is the thing that had I a fairy God mother I would wish away from my life. As a result my inability to sieve and endure pain has made me develop unorthodox to say the least coping mechanisms.. I SHUT down, completely..I shut everything and everyone out, It is not normal, and it is a destructive habit to say the very least, I am trying to be better, but as my dad says "Rome was not built in one day"and that is still a work in progress, because I can only be as good as my thoughts of myself are... So because I have weird coping mechanisms that also means I am socially awkward.. That`s right, I am .. half the time I go through conversations with people in a state of suspended limbo, almost zombie like lol, okay I exaggerate but really I am socially awkward... To actually make small talk is a small feat, when I go through one without offending the other party? Yeey celebrations are in order, I mentally also throw air punches whoop whoop..

My whole life growing up, I have had a dramatic family setting, and just as soon as I think things are settling into normal, some crisis or individuals always always rocks up, right on cue at my door, ready to throw what is my normal, into another lapse of chaos,my reason why I am such a control freak, issues stemming from childhood, I like to always know what I am up against, and yet I am soo impulsive, the contrast is just not normal, proving another point. It never ended until finally the union that was my mother`s and father ended, the chaos stopped, most of it anyways. I do not Do Normal, What is normal normal anyways? It takes a strong spirit that is my mother to single handily raise the hurting spirits that were my brother and I..To nurse us back to life, to being able to love again.My dad became a seasonal being, we would see at the most 6 times a year,his choice of course. Love is another phenomena that is a concept I am still trying to wrap my head around. I understand the Agape love, for my family, friends, myself. I always rock into the Eros love, so I`ve put a lid on that, just until things look up again LOL... So here I am,in my early 20s, with soo much going on, I have decided to let go, past hurts, relationships, people that are the baggage in my life. Yes its time to let go, and let the Divine Power that is GOD takeover in my life, and help me heal. I have made it this far by the Lords grace alone, I wake up everyday looking forward to his awesomeness, he is the one thing in my life that is constant, that is true, that is love, that is whole and has no strings attached, Divine Love for my God Alone... I am a work in progress, still finding the perfect fit, perfect rhythm, perfect light, perfect coodination in all areas of my life. The greatest blessing is that I am my makers canvas, as long as he keeps painting, brush stroke after brush stroke, there is hope yet, for me and the World!! до свидания

Keep Calm

I am 83 and I am Tired...

Once every now and than, I come across Inspirational writing, That moves a place deep inside of me, and leaves a mark, One that will help me be a part of the solutions we need In this our 21st Century!! So here I am sharing a piece by Bill Cosby, may It do for you, what it did for me....


"I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for when I was doing my National Service, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly 40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired. 

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy to earn it.

I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honour"; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't "believers"; Muslims burning schools for girls; Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and Shari'a law tells them to.

I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques and Madrasa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , NewZealand , UK, America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other Arab country to teach love and tolerance.. 

I'm tired of 

being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off? 

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor. 

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and early 20's be-deck themselves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making themselves unemployable and claiming money from the Government.
Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 83.. Because, mostly, I'm not going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for my granddaughter and their children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not on the way in. There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on! This is your chance to make a difference.

I’m 83 and I'm tired. If you don't agree you are part of the problem"

Au Revoir to the Month of May, You brought such good tidings, soo much Growth, love and Happiness, I swear, out of the whole year calender besides the Obvious December, I love may the Most !!! To the rest of you folks Happy June!!

Jessie J - Who You Are

My Cinderella Dust

My coming of age was beautiful.. Everything went according to plan and down to the last detail... Not having my Parents, siblings, Family and friends present, That dimmed my light a little, but hey, We cant have it all!!!
I have the best friends Ever, They show me every day, but they just blew me away with their LOOOVE, soo much Love, I absolutely Love them back!!!

They made a big deal out of my big day, The way only they could, and mission was accomplished, I loved my gifts, God bless you pure Souls!!! WWura, Penny, Bongiwe and Nosifiso.!!!! and My Day, It was absolutely beautiful!!

So my Cinderella Dust is fast fading, My coach turning into a Pumpkin, My Coachmen back to Lizards and Mice, Granted I didnt loose my Glass slippers, I love my shoes way Too much, and that ofcourse means No prince Charming in Sight, But Hey, there is enough time for that, right?, enough!! out of Content.. So back to My Ordinary Life, My Magical night is Over and I treasured every Moment

Through it all, My Lord, who is My Salvation, my Everything was with me, I am who I am because He Is, A daughter, Blessed and Loved! To my parents, family, friends, Thank you for sharing My day and The Love!!! 

Happy 21st Leena Ndapandula Rosemary Takatu Nghixulu, The world Is your Canvas, Own It, The Lord is  your Compass, Follow it, Be you, Live love and Study, Study Study LOL, Ode!!

Coming Of Age

This Is me every year, days before my Birthday, I loose my appetite, my humor, I get major mood swings, because some where in my head, I hear a clock ticking, literally , with every chime, A year is added to my being, A heavy chain settling on my neck.... In my mind I am 50+ female,  a grandmother, old.

I look in The Mirror, and I am reminded once again, of my youthfulness, my energy,my  vigor, my Charisma ,my Zest for life, my youth... A reality Check, so here Is to Me, to having survived another year, through the labyrinth that is life!!!

Lord knows I am a survivor, and I am the author of my life, Ode......

I Will Wait For You by Janette Ikz

So, it seemed that it was cool for everyone to be in a relationship but me…

So I took matters into my own hands and ended up with him.

Him who displayed the characteristics of a cheater, a liar, an abuser, and a thief.

So, why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?

I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and betting, cause it was me who let him in.

Claiming we were, “just friends”

It was already decided for me by the first day that even if he wasn’t, I was going to make him the one.

You know, I was tired of being alone and I simply made it up in my mind that it was about that time.

So I decided to drag him along for the ride cause I was always the bridesmaid and never the bride.

A virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner and he was tired of the weight.

So, I was gonna make him the one.

He had a form of godliness … but not much.

But, hey, I can change him. So, I’ll take him! I mean, he’s close… enough.

Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of it’s “used to be.”

Arteries so clogged with my will, it blocked HIS will from flowing through me.

So, I thank Christ that HIS blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flat-lined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back.

Through my ignorance, HE saw.

So, through my sternum, HE sawed and cracked open my chest to transplant Psalms 51:10.

A new heart and a renewed, right spirit within.

So, now I fully understand, better yet, thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait… For you.

See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning.

Cause, in the beginning was the word and he didn’t even sound or shine like YOUR son.

Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings. Which meant nothing.

He couldn’t even pray what I needed him to. Asking him to fast would be absurd.

Forget about being cleansed and washed with water through the WORD.

But, I know YOU. You’re already praying for me.

Even never having met me, let me assure you, I will wait… for you.

I will no longer date, socialize, or communicate with carbon copies of you to appease my boredom or to quench my thirsty desire for attention of the short-live compliments from ‘sorta, kindas.’

You know, “he’s sorta kinda right, but sorta kinda wrong.” His first name, Luke. His last name, Warm.

I won’t settle for false companionship. I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness but have feelings so far, far apart cause, “I just want to be held.”

Cause all I gotta say is “No.” No more almost sessions of almost coming close, passing winks and buying drinks, and “Im’ma Im’ma Im’ma flirt.”

… Who flirts with the ideology of, “Can you just tell me how much I can get away with and still be saved?”

No more. I’ll stay in my bed alone and write poems about how I will wait for you.

He won’t even come close, our fingers won’t even interlock, we won’t even exchange breath cause I have thoughts that I’ve saved to ask, and our Father God only equips you to open.

I will no longer get graded down from ‘so called’ friends and family talks about the concern of my biological clock when I serve the author of time.

Who is not subject to time, but I am subject to HIM. He has the ability to stop, fast forward, pause, or rewind at any given time.

 So, if we could roleplay, you would be Abraham, and I would be Sarah, or you could be Issac and I could be Rebecca, or servants, aunts, and prayer…

I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh. Made up of your rib, Adam. And once we meet, like electrons … I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible, atom.

We even speak the same math- 1+1+1=3, which really equals 1 if you add them.

We were all created in HIS image, but you have the ability to reflect, project, and even detect the SON.

If I were to explain what you look like, you would have to look like a star.

A son of the sun.

I would get energy simply from the light you shine on me.

I would need you in order to complete my photosynthesis.

I await your revelation, but once again from the Genesis, I will wait for you.

And I will know you because when you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom.

The ability to lead will remind me of Moses.

Your faith will remind me of Abraham.

Your confidence in GOD’s word will remind me of Daniel.

Your inspiration will remind me of Paul.

Your heart for God will remind me of David.

Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah.

Your integrity will remind me of Joseph.

… And your ability to abandon your own will will remind me of the disciples.

But, your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of CHRIST.

But I won’t need to identify you by and special ‘Matthews’ or ‘Marks’

… because HIS WORD will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me where the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth.

Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary.

…. Which is engulfed by the tears of a praying Hannah.

I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31 … waiting for you.

But to my Father, my Father who has known me before and was birthed into this earth, only if YOU should see it.

I desire YOUR WILL above mine so even if YOU call me to a life of single-ness, my heart is content with YOU, the one who is sent.

YOU are the greatest love story ever told, the greatest love ever known.

YOU  are forever my judge and I am forever your witness. And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.

How I’ll always be YOURS and how I’ll always wait for YOU , Lord- more than the watchmen wait for the morning.

More than the watchmen wait for the morning, I WILL WAIT.



(—- Janette Ikz (P4CM) Spoken Word Poetry)
#Janette Ikz #P4CM #Spoken Word #Christian #Proverbs 31 #Psalm 116 #Wait #Love #God
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